Journey back from the gap of distress.
Down in a hole.
I’ve lost control.
All in my head.
Tired and slow but all I want to do is get up and go.
Less than myself.
All here yet gone.
The blackness reflecting my face underneath all the masks.
Piercing every thought.
Stomping every try.
Slipping, slipping, slipping deeper inside.
Run in a corner but there’s nowhere to hide.
Darkness taking control.
Cuts bleeding, shrinking my soul.
Tramples sweet dreams.
Emotions are raw.
Standing but feet can’t find the floor.
Passage back blacked out.
Path is a faint memory
Peeling, scraping, pounding, still can’t find the door.
Void is me around and complete.
Sky is angry, sky is bleak.
Stuck in the center.
Small voice underneath cracking to speak.
Don’t want to listen.
Don’t want to hear.
Demands my attention.
Won’t shut up.
Must be clear.
“Embrace and admit!”
“Become one with me. We are an inseparable fit.”
“I’m yours and your mine.”
“You invented me, we’re one of a kind.”
Seeping in my veins.
Meshing with little hooks.
Straining and kicking fighting against the air.
Lashing out I hug the hole, squeeze and crush it to me.
Paint the vacuum with hope.
Paint the shadow with vibrant colors just to spite the dinge.
Paint the pit and watch it spin.
It’s a mess, I’m a mess but I can no longer cringe.
The ditch has a meaning, a feeling, a purpose setting in.
Conquer the hollow.
Filling the trench.
Make a new world.
Start from the bottom.
No end to new starts.
Only up fresh and renewed.
Kicking out of the depression, out of the hole.
We will win! We will win!
I’ve been down the in shade with you. Looking for the end of hurt, loneliness, and desolation to come to an end but there seems to be no light waiting to console and lift up.
Deep down in my wretchedness, I decided to recreate the ball of the dense depleted abyss into whatever I imagined. Reshape my thoughts. Fantasizing, building castles in my mind, dreaming and visualizing myself doing and creating.
I did these mental jumps while locked away for 12 1/2 years in a world of harshness comprised of steel bars, doors, and shackles as well as cuffs. Determination and plain old mean persistence were the main factors in me keeping my goal and living by the mantra:
“They can take my freedom, chain my body, lock me in a world of nothing, but they cannot take who I am. I will make it. And, I will rise above and beat this hell I have brought upon myself.”
Blaming all the factors leading me to rob a bank wouldn’t get me through the ordeal of prison. When you’re in “The Hole” or isolation one has a lot of time to regress and die a bit more inside every day.
Or, you can fight for who you are. I fought by doing tons of meditation, reading, exercising, writing letters, and listening to a walkman radio. I battled the mental hole and the physical one surrounding me.
Are you in a dark mental place?
Fight your inner arid wasteland by recreating it into a new world of activity, color, learning, and dreams.
Then fill it with as much love you can imagine until the love is real.
Overcome and triumph by letting the love start in and with you.