Finding the self-talk to get through the day.
The next moment is filled with great danger. I’m about to roll out of bed and begin today but there’s no guarantee I have the courage, stamina, and will to accomplish the many tasks on my agenda. The voice in my head goes through the list and a smaller voice filled with “What ifs?” pokes in its - every day -harsh cynical rake on my conscience.
Sun is peeking its face through the shade slats covering my bedroom windows and I know I must face the day. My wife and two children count on me. I can’t let them down. Have to do my part. The sinking flesh fighting me to stay in bed presents a worthy foe.
The battle begins with deep breaths fading into concentration.
I sink into meditation. “Today is a new day. I will face my fears. It’s up to me. No one is going to do my work for me.” The flash of my schedule ticks off before my deep breaths like a movie and I project accomplishing my goals for every waking moment.
Innerspeak rings in my thoughts, “I will be productive.” Opening my eyes is like coming up for air from a deep dive in a thick abyss. The smile crossing my lips feels unforced and it crosses my mind I may be tricking myself into a positive mindset.
Is it a real smile?
Does it matter?
Throwing my feet to the floor I jolt up in a sitting position. The bed can’t hold me down any longer.
No time left for wondering. The “What ifs” have retreated or taken refuge behind a shadow lurking and waiting for the next morning.
Being and doing have taken over. Only purpose remains where fleeting fears were pestering minutes ago.
Stretching, cleaning the pool, making breakfast, cleaning the bathrooms, turning off nightlights, and prepping my lunch along with updating the writer's group on Facebook fill the next hour before I head out to run my lawn service.
All-day is set in order. I’m working in the sun and dreaming about creating a new story to post. Wondering what to make for our family dinner crosses my mind and I remember I took out the frozen chicken to defrost before leaving for work this morning.